“I give 110%!”

“I give 110%!” Alright, all you would-be language slayers, you diligent dictionary destroyers, I have a request. I would like you all to write, “I give 110%!” on a long piece of paper (preferably jagged), and shove the paper all the way up your rear cavity. Please, stick it up so far, anymore you would scar, and then pull it out. Now, before ridding yourself of the paper, shove it back into your hind-split 1/10 the total distance. THAT is 110%!

Call me a number-geek, or a word-geek, if you must. I can take it, all 100% of it. But saying you will give 110% of the 100% you have, means one of two things to me. You are either ignorant or deceitfully insincere. Perhaps you think if you just dig deeper you will find more than 100%. You may find more than you thought you had, but you can never find more than you have. You can hold out, but that would be better phrased: “I’m going to give 110% of what you think I have.” Better phrased if the truth is important to you.

One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to “try on someone’s perspective.” You can think of it as empathy on steroids. But when I try cloaking myself in this mindset, I run into only muscle. “I give 110%” comes from deep inside the vibrating mass. It feels like being blindfolded and led into a calumnious shouting match.

Look at the plus side. If you stop lying to yourself and others in this particular way, your ears may actually stop ringing, unless of course you’re a cymbalist.

“Everybody Hates Chris is for black people.”

“Everybody Hates Chris is for black people.” This is like saying swimming pools are for wet people. Everybody Hates Chris is great TV! If not for the CW’s utter disdain for sitcoms, EHC would be coming back for a fifth season of solid stories, compelling characters and dynamic narration. What does the CW stand for anyway? Counter Wit? The network that Couldn’t/Wouldn’t support shows focused on fast and funny fiction finds itself with zero ½-hour shows in their 10 hours of primetime programming.

They blame ratings.

If you do not know the show, I blame you.

I understand your skin color can be a large part of your identity. Don’t let it define your imagination. Do not stop yourself from relating to those you will never be able to be like. Has 1991’s bodacious movie Switch taught us nothing? Switch showcases a sizzling Ellen Barkin with the soul of a Stud. Perry King goes from misogynist to egalitarian just by taking a few walks inside Barkin’s sexy, skin suitcase.

Chris Rock’s life serves as a diving board into the many facets of American life in the 1980s. First job, first crush, first car, I can understand why you feel you need to be black to understand that stuff. What would Wayne say? “NOT!”

There is one thing about the show I find more than lacking: the title. I think ”Everybody Hates Chris” was a reactionary choice targeting Everybody Loves Raymond. I believe this because there is absolutely no reason for everybody to hate the main character of this show. He is a bumbler, yes. He often has to do what he doesn’t want to do, and this makes him less than heroic. But he is far from hate-worthy. If the producers wanted a more appropriate copycat name they should have gone with The Blunder Years.

If it isn’t already obvious: I highly encourage you to add EHC to your Netflix list. You’ll quickly see why “Everybody Hates Chris is for black people” is a phrase most at home up the rectum.

“Poor Ted Kennedy”

“Poor Ted Kennedy.” Just because a phrase services sentimentality to the recently deceased does not spare it from a harsh spot way up the rectum. Poor is a poor choice of descriptors for the formidable freedom fighter from New England. Lucky is a much better one. Imagine a plumber with the same career climb: “Buck, you’re just as strapping as your older brothers. The three of you did a bang-up job installing the pipes at Daddy’s country club.” When Buck gets caught “inspecting” the young lady’s plumbing by her power-wielding papa, do you think Buck gets a promotion to a western state in order to spread the word of his brother’s plumbing skills?

Perhaps the “poor” is not referring to Senator Kennedy’s life, but instead to the point he did not get a decent opportunity to become President of the United States of America. Well, neither did his sister, Eunice. It is somewhat well-known, Eunice Kennedy Shriver was the most brilliant member of the Kennedy clan, and a slam-dunk choice for President if she hadn’t been a woman. Teddy was considered a slam-dunk for the position as well, until Chappaquiddick. Turns out they were both stopped by a vagina.

So, two lives lived fully. One remembered mostly for opportunities his blemish vanquished, the other remembered with great color and fondness by those now able to participate despite their many blemishes.  Thank goodness it didn’t happen the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, I think it would have been awesome to grow up with a female President, but I worry the Special Olympics would have been put together wrong. I think Teddy would have focused on a different group of needy Americans. The retarded would be ok, but I don’t want to be the volunteer-hugger at the end of the 100-yard dash of drunkards.